Things That Go Bump In The Night:
She looks like a little angel, doesn't she? During the daylight hours I think that is very true, but there is a rougher side of caring for her as well. When the lights go down in the neighborhood and everywhere around us people are laying down to sleep .... well, we are not.
First off, for all who may read this I love being a father. At the same time, I promised that I would share the blood, sweat, and tears part of this adventure as well as the joys and I would be remiss not to share the whole story.
I have come to the conclusion that parents who say everything is perfect with their new bundle of joy are either lying or extremely fortunate. I would hope for their sake that it is the latter, however being a parent is for many of us our greatest occupation and challenge. Without a doubt it is one of the most heart-warming experiences in my life, at the same time this is much more difficult than I could have possibly dreamt.
I think everyone knows that babies have a hard time sleeping for any great length of time. As a new parent the reality is that every half hour it seems that there is a new bang, bump, coo, scream or eerie silence that has at least one of you fully awake to take care of or check on the baby. With threats like SIDS, the silence when I wake up is worse than her crying. I know the first few weeks I was up almost every 15 minutes to be sure she was breathing. At the same time I have it easy compared to Melissa, as I sleep through the feedings, since there is nothing I can do to help the process while Melissa may be up for an hour or more each time she wakes. All of you that are parents, probably can relate to this and I will not belabor the point by recounting details.
I guess I wish I had honestly heard how challenging it can be for you and your spouse because of the lack of sleep. Nothing is greater than the feelings I feel towards Melissa when I see her holding, playing with, or mothering Sophie. Most of the time you feel closer to each other in a way you have never experienced before. However, the more couples I talk to and the reality for us often is that we say a lot more things we don't mean and we are short with each other. More than anything else we find ourselves putting hopes and expectations on each other that we never communicated. It is rough when you know you hurt the person you love more than anything in the world, especially when you know emotions are more fragile due to lack of sleep. Let's just say there are more tears than there used to be.
I know that I mentioned at the end of my last entry that our life is more full and I know we are richer for it. I wanted to be sure that I explained that full is not always lullabyes and rainbows. Full is feeling every emotion to its fullness and that is the depth of what Sophie brings to us. You can only know peace if you have been frantic and understand joy if you have known tears. I know that love and intimacy are born of trust and admiration. There is no way to learn trust other than to have opportunity to rely on someone when you are at the end of your rope. Admiration comes when someone surprises or delights you in their response to an obstacle. So, raising a child may be a perfect recipe for greater love.
Melissa and I are reminded everyday we are not perfect, but I know I am blessed to have someone so special beside me as we figure this new path out.
