The Place That Built Me

I went back to work this summer. For the first time since Sophie's birth, I navigated the waters of working mom - for three months. And among the things that surprised me was an overwhelming feeling of closure. It had been three years since I had worked at NW Natural, and that included a year of working at George Fox before Sophie was born. I had no lingering thoughts of needing closure. No issues to resolve, no strong desire to continue a career. I went back for the money. Period. And even then, there were tear-filled days where the money didn't seem nearly enough reason. But towards the end of the three months, something strange occurred. I'd drive into Portland, enter the parking garage across the street from my office, and like clockwork the same song would come on the radio. I found it oddly amusing at first. Can't the country radio stations around here come up with a little more variety? But after about four times of this happening, I finally stopped and listened. And then cried. You see, sometime during my journey back to work I'd felt something that I couldn't label. Maybe my stubborn "I'm proud of being a stay-at-home mom" attitude wasn't letting me acknowledge it. Coming back had changed me. Or maybe, it was the opposite. Maybe coming back had reminded me of how much motherhood had changed me. And in the process, some of those nagging questions stay-at-home moms have to to face were answered. (Do I have value beyond changing diapers and wiping noses? Do I still have what it takes to do this job well? And more specifically for me - do I still have the confidence to step in front of a large group of construction men and instruct, organize and delegate?) What a blessing it was to face those questions head on, prove that I can still do it, and then gracefully let go and slip back into mommyland. But above all that...above the proving my value to society beyond the four walls of my own house...I realized that coming back was a source of healing for me. You see, NW Natural is, in a way, my home. My dad has worked there for over 30 years. It is where I have grown up - both as a young girl accompaning my father on "Bring Your Daughter to Work Days" to an adult learning how to make a name for myself beyond "Charlie's Dauther". It is where I learned to assert myself, challenge others' opinions, and establish a voice of authority. That one company is a significant source of my growth as an employee and a confident woman. Leaving work to become a mom changed me. But leaving NW Natural left wounds that only coming back "home" could mend.

The House That Built Me
*excerpt from song by Miranda Lambert

I thought if I could touch this place or feeling
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it's like I'm someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave
Won't take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am